?

Log in

No account? Create an account
Regrets - Multiplayer vi [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Tomas Gallucci

counter customisable

[ flavors | Meta Profile ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

Links
[Links:| Value for Value Politics Tech Reads ]

Regrets [Oct. 23rd, 2008|09:07 pm]
Tomas Gallucci
[Tags|]
[music |King Kong]

I live alone and have very few friends. This is mostly by choice; I don't get out all that often and when I do go out, I do my business and get back.

In what seems like ancient history, I took the trust of someone that lead me to believe that we were close and crushed it because I could. I was needy and wasn't getting the attention that I needed.

Because I thought I had to test them, I tried to convince a friend to play along. He refused. He must have been just as clueless about how the other person really felt, but I thought he had inside information. He did help drive me to certain conclusions. Maybe it was just because I was a depressive fuck and he was sick and tired of me being a depressive fuck. He nurtured the thing that gave me hope and blew my head up to the size of Stewie's in the Macy's Day Parade.

To me it was a way of finding out what they really thought of me. I've found that I'm a really insecure person when it comes to relationships. I over-think everything. I have to analyze each word, each action, each touch--or lack thereof--and find meaning. I'm sure this comes from too many years of studying film.

I grew up in a very tight Christian home. I never interacted with girls as I was growing up; it was against the rules.

I never learned to compromise either. When the boys left, I still had two younger siblings. My sister and I were never close, though I think we always both secretly wanted to be. Occasionally, I'll fantasize about a world where we get along famously, have lots of fun together and confide in one another.

But I'm abrasive. I was taught not to accept no for an answer.

When it comes to relationships, I've learned that the thing that turns me on is the hunt. I don't hunt, but I enjoy working towards being someone's idol. I'm not afraid to show my humanity--God knows I make mistakes--but as soon as I've gotten what I want, I loose interest.

I want someone that will accept me for who I am and not ask questions. I want someone who will not only put her thumb in my back and push me to be the best that I can be but who will also cut me the slack and give me the attention that I need. I want someone I can show off, not just physically, but mentally too. If I can't have a conversation with her, what's the point.

I respect a person's privacy and the need for some alone time. I love to learn and want to be taught new things, but I have to be the one in charge. I like spontaneity but hate surprises.

The one thing I've never learned how to do is trust. Hell, I can't even trust my blog. I trust what co-workers and friends tell me because I can verify it. Once I've known a person long enough, I can trust them as a confident and that they will keep their word and not screw me over.

Time heals all. Relationships take time and are formed when you're not looking for them. But when you meet someone under less then ideal circumstances and it turns out to be a good thing, but something you can't write home about, what do you do, especially if it's unexpectedly dumped in your lap? You start to wonder if calling out of work was what you were supposed to do--how else could these events transpire?

But you can't trust. And you make a mistake. You make accusations because you can't trust and you cant remember where you put something. Then you find it and call to apologize. You realize that you're the one friend in the world that this person has and you just fucked that up. But you don't feel anything; you just know you fucked up. You feel bad about fucking up like that and what the effects might be on the other person, but you feel nothing. They're expendable. You don't know them. And then you realize that you probably just fucked up the chance of a lifetime. You hate yourself for making such a stupid mistake, but you don't beat yourself up about it.

Life never works out the way you want it to.
linkReply

Comments:
[User Picture]From: ehowton
2008-10-24 02:26 am (UTC)
Life never works out the way you want it to.

With that attitude, I can guarantee you repeatable failures:

"I'm abrasive." <-- FAIL
"I have to be the one in charge." <-- FAIL
"[I] hate surprises." <-- FAIL
"..and not ask questions." <-- FAIL

(I could go on)

See, these are things NOT TO DO when you interact with people. Interact enough and you have what's called a 're-la-tion-ship.' Its two people who aren't a dick to each other. But I give you an 'A' for effort dude! I mean, who wouldn't want a woman who would take my shit, remind me that I'm in charge and stroke my ego endlessly while I whined like a bitch. Oh yeah, ME. I surely wouldn't respect a woman who did all the shit you want them to do. Then again, if you don't respect yourself...

Maybe you should work on being more engaging, and you know, friendly. I dunno dude, maybe if you GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AND START INTERACTING WITH PEOPLE you can get over some of your hang-ups.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: schpydurx
2008-10-27 04:34 am (UTC)
Life never works out the way you want it to.
By this I meant that we can't control our own lives. Yes, we can make choices and those choices can alter the course of our lives, but we are the sum of the reactions to external forces.

Put it like this: Our lives would have taken quite a different turn had we not met on TSS. For good or for bad we have both influenced each other over the years.

maybe if you GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AND START INTERACTING WITH PEOPLE you can get over some of your hang-ups.
I've found the Great Metropolis of Huntsvegas to be a rather tight-knit community. Seems the people who grew up here don't move and they all know each other. Makes having fund kinda hard to do. bah!
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: dwell
2008-12-19 02:02 am (UTC)
the interesting thing is that you can state the points where you may be lacking or where it may be hurting you or your chances for relationships; you realize them on a mental level at least. that's something, right? and it's interesting you switched to a 2nd person voice by the last 2 paragraphs. unless you really were speaking to me, then in that case, get out of my head!!!

if anyone ever had fatigue of the heart, i think it'd sound something like this.

bt
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: schpydurx
2008-12-22 06:23 am (UTC)
I'm sorry it's taken me a while to reply to your comment. Your insight gave me pause and caused me to consider what you have said here.

the interesting thing is that you can state the points where you may be lacking or where it may be hurting you or your chances for relationships; you realize them on a mental level at least. that's something, right?
Only if I do something about it. The fact is, I know what my problems are and I'm just going to make the same stupid mistakes over and over again even though I should do something to change the situation. I just can't let anyone get too close; I have to pull away. The very thing I lust after I can never have. I'm bound to just be a dog chasing cars.

and it's interesting you switched to a 2nd person voice by the last 2 paragraphs.
This keen observation cut me to the core. I didn't deliberate for hours on end when I wrote the piece, I simply wrote. It was easier to switch to the second person for the last two paragraphs. Maybe I just can't tell myself to get off the merry-go-round.

unless you really were speaking to me, then in that case, get out of my head!!!
Freaky, isn't it?

if anyone ever had fatigue of the heart, i think it'd sound something like this.
At least now I have a name for what I have.

Thanks for stopping by.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: dwell
2008-12-22 08:30 pm (UTC)
The fact is, I know what my problems are and I'm just going to make the same stupid mistakes over and over again even though I should do something to change the situation.

no one can give you the motivation that you need. i am in a similar boat as you. after the breakup of my marriage, i've just fallen apart, off the side, floating. and i know what i need to do, and i know what i should do, but i don't. and sometimes, i feel like the past year or two has just been me, holding my breath, waiting for something magnificent to happen, the Thing inside of me waiting to burst forth. it's situations like this, that will be the measure of a human. so are we up to it?

bt
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: schpydurx
2008-12-22 08:50 pm (UTC)
I thought that you were happily married. I'm sorry to hear about your break up. My condolences.

no one can give you the motivation that you need.
Sadly. On the flip side, ehowton keeps reminding me of the Calvin Coolidge quote: Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan "press on" has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: schpydurx
2008-12-22 06:25 am (UTC)
By the way, I meant to ask...bt...do you compose music?
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: dwell
2008-12-22 08:25 pm (UTC)
ha, in those pics he even has dyed hair too. no, unfortunately i am not Brian Transeau, we just happen to have the same initials.

:)

bt
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: ehowton
2008-12-31 06:32 pm (UTC)
I love his score to Stealth.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: schpydurx
2008-12-31 06:37 pm (UTC)
Me too!

I've wore that score out, playing it constantly in the car over the summer. Great driving music. And sometimes, it's the right sore for writing too!
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)