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Tomas Gallucci

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Happy Insured Motorist Day!!! [May. 2nd, 2006|06:09 pm]
Tomas Gallucci
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America has made history today. Today was the beginning of a new era. Today was the first recognition and celebration of Insured Motorist Day in the United Sates. You may be asking yourself, "What is insured Motorist Day?" "What is its history?"

Because all the illegal immigrants were out protesting and marching, that means that they weren't out driving. This means that if you were to have gotten in an automobile accident on this day, you'd have a higher probability of being hit by an insured motorist. Therefore, on this day, and this one day alone, statistically, the cost of the wreck should be lower because both motorist would be insured.


Illustrating Absurdity by Being Absurd
Before the day and festivities even ended, there were plans already underway for the anniversary gala. Agendas included such activities as street racing and "live" bumper cars. Hotdog vendors considered a buy one, get one free promotional if you could provide proof of coverage. Brothels considered one free orgasm per insured vehicle and a general discount on services for holders of so-called fleet policies. Filling stations contemplated giving discounts on octane, but the EPA quickly condemned the notion, saying that it would lead to "raising a nation of irresponsible pollutants."


Boycotting America
A new era in history not even minutes old and the holiday had already been bastardized. Boycotting America is what some have called this holiday, an atrocity indeed. Illegal immigrants march on the United States in protest of not having the rights equal to that of a lawful citizen. Nation wide, law enforcement officers stepped up security to keep the protesters protected from citizens lacking self-control; however, turnouts were far less than anticipated.

It was "predicted that 2 million to 3 million people would flood the streets of Los Angeles alone." Of note, the mayor (Antonio Villaraigosa, son of an immigrant) was not present to lead the city due to plans that "had been in the works for a long time" to talk to the NFL in Dallas in an effort to secure a team for the city. Critics lambasted Villaraigosa, claiming that he had left the "ship without a captain."

Despite the enormous estimates of people at the protest, there was little mention of the possibility of terrorist attacks. Conspiracy theorists have suggested that this is a ploy by the Communist nations to garner free propaganda by showing oppressed peoples how American is protesting itself. Other theories involve the reference to the bygone days of the USSR's May Day parade.

There was no surrender by the American government today, despite France's precedent with both their labour and anti-smoking laws. The uniting theme amongst the protesters did seem to come from France, however, namely, it is not the duty of the employees to show up and work. It's the duty of the employer to pay.

Protesting the Protestors
Eyewitness reports in the great town of Juanita (central Blount County for those of you in deportation lines) claimed that it was "business as usual" hidden away in the subdivisions. One Cullmanite at ground zero said that "300 people assembled to protest the protest." Upon further interview he added, "We're holding down the fort." When reminded that the last time the Americans tried this they failed (Remember the Alamo?), he went in search of immigrants to deport.

Analysts are still pouring over incoming data trying to determine whether or not the sharp rise in the stock market today was due to the sale of green cards. Other think tanks considered what the ramifications of the institutionalization of Insured Motorist Day would be to the black market and whether or not green card sales were any longer viable.

When asked to comment on the issues, one Huntsville man said, "I'm sick of all this protesting and marching. Therefore, I'm organizing a one man march against women." According to this source, who did not have the competence to give a name, his one-man march was protesting his inability to have sporadic, orgasmic sex with beautiful women. He encouraged sexually frustrated lesbians to join the march. No word yet as to when the march would take place or if heterosexual males could join.
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Comments:
From: snapper521
2008-03-03 04:32 am (UTC)
*busts out laughing*

Ah yes I remember reading this when it was posted to xanga. :-D

I bet that "man" from Hunts-Vegas was you. :-D Sounds like something you would say.
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